Halloween is the real holiday for kids. Christmas might be appealing on the surface, owing to the high monetary value of the gifts, but that only come as a payoff for good behavior, tolerating elderly relatives and listening to the same stories and songs every bloody year. Halloween is about dressing up so you look awesome, threatening homeowners with swift vengeance and eating sacks, literal sacks, worth of candy.

It seems like we’ve actually put to rest much of the menace that originally came with the phrase “trick or treat”, which is a real shame. So if you discover any individuals giving away items on the 31st that fall into these categories… we heartily advocate the use of wall egging, pumpkin smashing, toilet papering, window soaping and roundhouse kicking. Trick or treat isn’t just a saying. It’s a contract.


Homemade “Treats”


Made with love. I’ll use just as much love as I throw this crap in your garden.

We’ll get these out of the way right now. This includes popcorn in little twist-tie bags, pumpkin seeds, popcorn balls, cookies, Rice Krispie squares and so forth. Yes, we know that the store bought candy requires no thought. Yes, we know these treats have lower calories and are better for your teeth. That is exactly why we want the store bought candy. And on the off chance that we actually do want to eat the pumpkin sugar cookie you took the time to bake, our moms are probably going to throw it away anyway.


Chips and Pretzels


Great, I hope you enjoy paying a mechanic to dreg these out of your gas tank.

If you think of your candy bag as the hot club in town, pretzels are the ugly chick that sneaks in because she’s dating potato chips, who only gets in because he knows the manager. We only barely tolerate potato chips as a Halloween treat: they’re not candy and they don’t even come in full sized bags. Pretzels have nothing to recommend them, so keep these dry, tasteless pieces of cardboard for the adult party and get some real candy.


Bullshit From the Cupboard


This will go great with the Power Bars and microwave popcorn, douchebag.

Yeah, every block has one of these oblivious jerks. Never mind that the entire month of October saw stores drenched in orange and black decorating. Never mind that the corner store is five minutes away and still open with enough time for them to pick something up for the apple-cheeked kids ringing their doorbell. No, they simply don’t have anything, didn’t remember to remember the holiday, and only the most adorable kids can send them guiltily rummaging through their cupboards for a cup of noodles or other such crime against Halloween.


“Classic” Candy (Circus Peanuts, Candy Corn)


I was just saying how I enjoy eating candy that looks the same going in as it does coming out.

Both Marshmallow Peanuts and Candy Corn were actually invented in the 1800’s… and have been circulating uneaten since that time. Nobody is really sure why they are called circus peanuts, or why they should be made to taste like bananas, but since it’s a tradition nobody questions it. Meanwhile, candy corn accomplishes the goal of concentrating the sugar from corn, but removing the pleasing flavor, texture and nutrients.

These sugary mini-bricks are invariably stale by the time you have a chance to ruin your jaw on them, since the cheapskates that buy these things usually distribute them from a larger bag. If you’re one of the few people who actually like these abominations unto candy, you can always get your fix in the cereal aisle. Originally, Lucky Charms were made with the discarded shavings of these horrors.


Fruit (Apples, Raisins, etc)


This is going in your tailpipe.

Kids don’t want them and parents assume they’re full of razorblades. Even the raisins have tiny razor blades. Moms know these kinds of things.