It may sound silly to assume that the type of gum you chew really says a whole lot about you, but think about it: when was the last time that you intentionally went out to buy a new type of gum? Chances are, if you’re a serious gum-chewer (just like a serious smoker or drinker), you know what you like, and you stick to it (pun fully intended).

You’ve probably never even thought about it much before. There you are, standing in the checkout line at your regular grocery store, and all of a sudden you remember that you are completely out of gum! You scan the convenient gum-and-candy-laden rack (trying to avoid the chocolate bars while you’re at it) and hopefully find what you’re looking for. If you don’t find your favorite, you might satisfy yourself with something less desirable for the moment, but you won’t be happy about it.

And now, you can learn what the choice you’ve been making for all these years says about you!


Big Red (And Every Other Stick-Style Gum)


It’s big… well, pretty normal sized, actually. At least they got the

There’s something to be said about sticking to your roots. Once upon a time, there was only one type of gum, and that gum came in flat bars known as sticks. The gum was mostly made by Wrigley’s, and came in several flavors so that there was a little something for everyone. As long as what “everyone” wanted was cinnamon, mint, and a mysterious “fruit” flavor that has yet to be properly identified.

Doublemint is for the cool cat who wants to keep his breath fresh for the ladies. Named thusly for the sole reason that they wanted to put twins in their commercial that one time.


Big Red is for someone with a spicy side, or who perhaps just likes the pain of burning in his or her mouth.

Juicy Fruit is for those who just like a good puzzle. What the heck kind of fruit is it? Who knows? Why does it turn to ass-flavor so quickly? Does it even matter?

But no matter what your favorite flavor is, one thing is for certain – you’re old fashioned. Despite the recent updates in packaging, chewing this type of gum shows that you are stable, and most likely behave traditional in every conceivable way.


Kid’s Gum


That duck is way more hardcore than you’ll ever be. Deal with it.

Kid’s gum is defined as anything that contains flavors and colors that do not otherwise occur in nature, comes in strange shapes and sizes, and most often loses its flavor instantly upon being placed in the mouth.

When we said “sticking to your roots” above, we didn’t mean sticking to the type of gum that you chewed as a kid. Chewing kid’s gum as an adult means that you have a serious childish streak, you’re very averse to change, or else you’re just weird. It’s not exactly the kind of thing that you want people to know about you. Can you imagine walking into a board meeting peeling off pieces from your handy Bubbletape dispenser? It’s just not something you want to do. Even if you work for the company that makes the gum, it might be frowned upon.

Unless you just indulge in it once in a while, trying to evoke a sense of nostalgia for a childhood lost to you forever. Then it’s okay, and kind of cute… you weirdo.


25 Cent Gumballs


What is it about these things that can tempt the most stalwart heart?

We’re making this a separate section from kid’s gum, although it has many of the same characteristics.

You know what we’re talking about – those colorful, round, chewy balls that stare at you mockingly as you enter or exit just about any type of bartering establishment, be it grocery store, bank, auto repair shop, hair salon, brothel, or even bar. Most often gumballs come in nifty little machines, some of which twirl the gum down a ramp to give you a bit of a thrill, as if you were playing a game and not just throwing away your hard earned cash.

That’s right. If you regularly buy gumballs from gumball machines, you have very poor impulse control. They’re put there in the first place to attract people (especially children) with their color and their shape. You also have absolutely no concept of how money works. The mark-up on these little gumballs is ridiculous. First of all, you get much less actual gum than you would paying an equivalent price inside the store. Second, you don’t get to choose your color or flavor. Third, this is the cheapest gum you will ever find, with virtually zero flavor. And fourth, have you ever stopped to wonder how long those things have been sitting there, anyway?