It’s hotter than Hades outside. You’re keenly aware that if you don’t get something cold to eat right now, your eyeballs are going to burst into flames. Barring that, you’re going to have to hop in an oven just to cool off.

But why join the ordinary rabble vying for vaguely phallic treats from the creepy white van parked outside of the playground? Instead, be one of the cool kids (and avoid possible abduction) by enjoying an icy, out-of-the-ordinary cool-off this summer.

And by out-of-the-ordinary, we mean so weird that you’ll want to scrub your tongue (and possibly your brain) after ingesting these hot weather abominations.


The Pickle Sickle

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It is a little known fact that pickles are fond of cannibalism.

What it is:

Okay, it’s easy to realize why someone just had to go ahead and create this one. The name rolls off the tongue just as easily as the pickle juice rolls onto it (at least, I’m sure that’s how it was marketed to the potential investors).

The Pickle Sickle is not, as you’d expect from the picture in the logo, a frozen pickle on a stick; it’s actually a frozen packet of pickle juice.

Why it’s the perfect summer treat:

The generally accepted, over-sugared, ADD-inducing pantheon of summer treats needs to get a makeover. Chances are, if you’re sitting there, melting in the hot sun, you’re going to need some electrolytes in addition to your ice water. This pickle pop is the perfect combination of salty and cold.

Probably the same creepy kids who pick their scabs and eat French fries with mayo. Why you might want to scrub your tongue afterwards:

There’s a reason that most cold summer treats you’ll find in your regular supermarket are sour and sweet instead of sour and salty. The saltiness can actually increase your thirst for liquids, which is not good if you’re already in danger of dehydration from heat. In addition, most people prefer to toss out the pickle juice after enjoying some bread n’ butter action, instead of recycling it into frozen foods. Just saying.

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Probably the same creepy kids who pick their scabs and eat French fries with mayo.


Pizza Beer

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Based on the wine glasses, these chefs apparently have a very loose concept of the term

What it is:

For the more mature among us (or at least, the ones who’ve reached the hallowed age of 21), there’s a cool treat that can satisfy several urges at once.

Now, you don’t have to wait for the tomato-and-garlicky goodness to heat up and then cool down so you can enjoy cold pizza this summer. You’ve got your pizza and your beer all rolled into one! This beer is brewed with tomato and spices in the mix, so as a bonus, you get all of the flavors and none of the fat.

Why it’s the perfect summer treat:

This drink amazingly wraps the whole pizza and beer thing up into one easy to swallow package, and in a (comparatively) healthier version to boot. And just think of the collective foodgasm to be had by the lactose intolerant population. Additionally, you can get drunk on pizza without having to turn the house temperature up to “swelter” by sticking a pie in the oven.

So… first rounds on me? Why you might want to scrub your tongue afterwards:

If you just want to cool down, then beer is the perfect choice (as long as you don’t overindulge – it is, after all, dehydrating in large quantities). If you’re hungry, you’ll have a pizza. We get the feeling that mashing the two together would be like rinsing off your used pizza box with cold water just to get the last few flecks of pizza-y goodness down your gullet. Probably delicious for the first few seconds, and then it just makes you pine miserably for another slice.

Not only that, but you’re going to be royally confused when you wake up the next morning tasting pizza but can’t remember that you ordered any!

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So… first rounds on me?


Garlic Ice Cream

garlic ice cream


What it is:

This delicacy hails from Gilroy, that wondrous garlic-topia located in the middle of California.  It’s true that they garlic everything there, but the ice cream has to be one of the odder things to come under the garlic spell.

Why it’s the perfect summer treat:

What more could you want than having the delicious taste of garlic linger on your tongue long after the ice cream has melted into a distant dream? Not only will it ward off vampires, it will also ward off any unwanted suitors who stagger by after too much Pizza Beer.

Why you might want to scrub your tongue afterwards:

Actually, you might be tempted to just cut the whole thing off. Have you ever been cutting garlic in the general vicinity of anything that you don’t want to taste like garlic? The hotheaded rogue of the onion family is famous for its permeating taste and aroma. Everything within the general vicinity will soak up the garlic flavor like a sponge. That garlic flavor isn’t going anywhere. It’s like that with garlic ice cream; the first few bites will be intriguing and interesting, but do you really want to be sucking garlic juice off your tongue for the rest of the day?